Alone.
Here in my room, just thinking and writing my thoughts out. Saw my baby today, which undoubtedly, is the best thing. Missing something in my life, or am I? Is it love that I’m missing? But, what is love? I don’t know what that is. And, if it is, what I think it is- I don’t want it! Get it away! I doubt I’m wife material, I’m too damaged; or I’ve been taught that I’m damaged. I need to be untaught. I doubt anyone can and will fill that void called LOVE. I think I just need time to heal my wounds and the damage I’ve caused, because of these wounds. I just need to focus on what’s. Important, and that’s my son and I. Am I scared? Maybe just a little. Of the unknown? Who isn’t? All I know is that, right now- I’m at pease. For a little while. When my baby smiles, that’s all that matters. Started photography school on Sep 1st, a positive in my life; that and the fact that I have a job to fall back on and support myself. I know I ca do this! I know I can. Sometime I think to myself: Did I make the right choice? Undoubtedly I have. For if I didn’t, I’d be regretting it, each ad every step of the way- and I don’t. Do I think about his heart? Yes I do. Yet, there are no memories that makes me think about going back. No way. Destroy yourself- I won’t be there. I know I will be just fine. My lord and savior, Jesus Christ will make sure of that..
10:30am
Waiting for 10:30am to get my fafsa filled out and up and running- photography school, you see. I’m so looking forward to something that’s been in seclusion for a very, very long time. I have got to, and want to do this. That reminds me: get laundry done. My pants and shirts look as bad as they smell.
Scared.
I’m so scared right now, but I left! This time-there won’t be a next time! I’m doing this for my son and myself. I don’t have a place to call my own, but I will definitely be fine. God definitely carries me everywhere! And that is for certain. I’m not scared! I’m just nervous.
In from work and very tired. Need a cup of coffee- exhausted! Wanted to hang out today, but I guess my friend is just not up to it. I really wanted to get out and unwind. Guess that’s not gonna happen.
Feeling weird today, like any other day, I guess. Not comfortable in my own skin, but I know why. I wish I felt different. I wish you felt me. Then you would understand.
Photography.
I need to start working on this art of mine. I would, more than anything, attend svu, but how- when? I have no time. I wouldn’t mind taking an online photography course, still waiting on the information I requested. I need to start working on a photography portfolio. What I need is a camera. A good camera.
Tuesday.
Aahh! Tuesday! This is what I call my staycation. This is the only day I get to stay home from work and do what i feel like doing. I get to plan and figure out what needs to be done for my three ventures. What are my three ventures? Writing, photography and my upcoming business. I’m so happy right now. I don’t have much, but what I do have is what’s important. I thank GOD everyday for what I do have and will have. After I get my car outthe shop, my next move is to get a professional camera. There’s this photography course I want to take just to brush up on some techniques. My first business venture is going to be the judgment recovery business that I’m working on now. The second is a publishing company and the third is more like a hobby, but I would like to make it into a photography company. I’m scared- and that’s the crazy rush that I like!
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